Well then…. it’s been a while, hasn’t it :o.
Sometimes life gets in the way and I don’t feel the need to write, I have nothing pressing on my mind that I feel I can put words to, or I notice nothing particularly different in my life worth noting. So I carry on without writing, feeling like the time to write has probably passed.
I don’t know about everybody but new situations make me stressed. Change is usually really hard for me, it can make me anxious. I’m sure for everyone that is also true. For example my parents’ kitchen has recently been completely re-done for the first time since we were little (it looks lovely, before anyone can think otherwise). I now do not know where anything in my kitchen is and I kinda loath it. I miss the old kitchen where everything seemed to be in the right place.
Another example is the fact that I have a job for the summer in Blackpool. It’s a job I’ve been trying to get for years and it’s brilliant. I’m learning new things, it’s great experience and I really really enjoy it. But the learning curve is steep, everyone I work with is lovely, however they’re new people and for me it’s just taking me a while to feel settled in.
Normally I’d just be beating myself up about it (and if I’m honest I have been for a while). You see, half the time I forget I’m autistic. It’s an odd thing to say but it’s almost like I feel separate from it. It’s only when I feel myself struggling at things that seem to be so much easier to others that I think about it. I am someone who struggles with change.
- Change in routine
- Change in location (I’ve been renting whilst I’ve been working, which has been weird)
- Change in temperature
- Changes in smells. (If you smell, I know about it. Trust me 😛 )
- Changes in volume
- Changes in a room
- Shit, changes in people’s hairstyle (I will always pick up on a haircut, I’m like a bloodhound for them.)
- Changes in people’s attitude towards me.
- I can hear a knat fart at 1000 paces. But not when someone is shouting my name, tell me why?
I pick up on it. Sometimes I deal, like you do and sometimes it takes a long time for me to settle afterwards. This heat is killing me off, I might drown in my own sweat before too long.
So like, this job is an AMAZING OPPORTUNITY, I’m loving it. I love the fact that I’m meeting new people and it’s very cool what we have to do. But it’s absolutely knackering me out trying to remember new things, dealing with new staff members arriving and others leaving and all that.
Eventually I had a word with my manager, feeling like it would be showing that I’m a failure.
The background to this is that I don’t usually have much of an issue telling people about aspects of myself. After being outed as gay in highschool I’ve always figured I should tell people things to get it out of the way. If they didn’t like me for it then they can swiftly disappear, it’s less harmful that way.
I’m also someone who found out I had dyslexia and dyspraxia in college. So when starting my uni course I was asked if I needed much help and honestly, truly I didn’t really. I mean, yes my maths is shyte and yes, no one can read my handwriting so I did need to do exams on a computer. But none of that has impacted how I work, I’ve never felt I was particularly far behind. During my masters year I found out I was also autistic and truthfully, I’ve never felt like the way I worked was much different to other people. Except for at a bar. Where it’s load, chaotic and people are shouting.
Which unfortunately occurs occasionally within this role. It’s something I hadn’t even thought about, having just thought the added pressures within a bar environment were causing me to feel panicked.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not something I’m going to run away from. But it also makes me quite sad having to put my hand up and say “these situations make me feel awkward”. Because no one likes to show that they’re weak, do they.
Which lead to be quietly crying in front of my line manager (standard Becki…. standard) whilst feeling pretty much like dirt.
However, what she said to me and a conversation I had earlier in that day got me thinking.
She said everyone finds their niche. Everyone finds the thing that they’re specifically good at. Now at the moment I don’t particularly know what that is, but I bet you anything by the time September swings around I’d be able to tell you on the drop. I do already know what I feel more comfortable with. This job is one that’s had more responsibility than any other job I’ve had, I’ve been stressing about that too much and worrying too much about being weird.
But like, my name is Becki and I like singing songs when I’m happy; calling people nicknames if I like them and making people laugh.It makes me feel closer to people because that’s stuff other people like to do. I’d hope that no one in work would object to that.
The other conversation I had that day reminded me of what someone a while back said, when I was first told about the Aspergers’. I was told it was quite impressive that I’d gone for a job that was so social as it’s that aspect I have problems with. I don’t consciously think of that but I do know that for others with similar issues working can be hard as it can break their routine or it’s just too much. I know that often people might be unable to cope with higher education, whereas I am someone who did well there (got drunk there, and made lots of friends there ❤ ).
I was reminded that I should really be proud of the fact I’ve achieved so much and that I’ve kept on going to get to where I am now. (cheers for that 🙂 )
Thing is, as I say I don’t normally think of it at all. When I found out about it I guess I wanted to sort of play it down. Yeah I had it but it’s not that bad. Like yeah but I can talk to you so I’m mostly normal, that terrible word crops up in my mind often.
So I suppose it’d be around the time to fess up and say really, honestly. Some things that I’m doing are really really hard and honestly, I don’t know if I cope with them differently to other people, if I have tactics or if I just have to wait it out. I got asked if I needed any help and I’m like…. who knows, which I realise isn’t helpful.
And I realise I’m probably absolutely nowhere near being remotely comfortable that I have a brain that’s different from others. That will be both intriguing me and infuriating me for years to come.
But I’m growing and I’m changing, and the entire point of this post is the fact that, so are you…. if anyone can read this and feel something similar then I guess you’ve just got to think…. If I can manage to get to a point where I’m doing a job that I’ve been trying to get to for years. Even if it is hard. Then you can do whatever you would like to do too. Please try 🙂